There’s always a tendency within me to move along with a certain level of uncertainty. While this is not a sign of a problem on its own, it’s kind of a mystery that I cannot truly resolve. Even in the most flawless positions with flourishing insights (or the moments in which I’m proud of myself in any context), there’s an interesting satisfaction in being the one who’s destined to be the servant of the uncertain void.
At a first glance, this is actually very strange. As a pessimistic person I always had this notion of double checking every detail while considering every possible bad scenario etc. However, I recently realized that for many cases I’m stepping into the uncertainty unlike what I made myself believe.
An obvious major downside of this is that such thoughts & eulogies on the void can become too powerful in a split second, and you may lose control quickly. Apart from its effect on the psychological state in the short term, I sincerely believe that it possesses an enormous hidden power for the distant future. Road after road, game after game, one by one, you distance yourself from the world you should continue to live in. In that sense, it’s a process that eventually ends in the alteration of destiny. As is known, you should always let the sleeping dogs lie. However, in this case, the dogs of destiny start to chase you. You run further and further and further. It’s as if your repetitions become an unfortunate wish or prayer with a high chance of approval. Well, good luck.
On the other hand, though, it’s quite satisfactory. If you asked me how I spent my nights, I’d tell you how I got myself lost in the patterns of life. After closing the lid of my computer, I check/update my escape path from the ghosts of mistakes & aches (it is worth giving a try, although it does not end particularly well sometimes). You’d see how some memories bravely shield you against time. The shell they formed resists for a long time until the dawn, indeed. You should protect it against ghosts and yourself to prevent the dogs from biting you.
The memories that you form through time. Through resisting against life. The moments that you think about what to eat, what to work, how to save some money so that you can pay your rent without asking money from your dad who’s not in a better financial situation than you. The moments that you study for the retarded exams, only to forget all of it one day after. The moments that you fell in love and went with it, only to realize how wrong or sometimes unfortunately how evil you can become. Like a subtle sudoku that keeps giving.
A far different world from the one that you live in, decorated with adventures… what more can you ask? Let the wheels turn for a brief period. Hold your rope crafted in deep smoke, and let the windows shine brightly back at you.
Even though it all sounds hysterical, there’s a deep yet very recognizable truth behind it, and I know that it is the same for almost everyone in the world: you always live for a goal. No matter how hard it is, how stupid it is, how boring it is - there’s always a goal to set and to be followed. At least, this is how I see it from my own perspective. Maybe it changes if I get ultra rich, I don’t know.
How these are connected, you may ask. Many people just take the goal(s) as a source of determination, reflection, and a will to live. While agreeing, I want to add a fourth dimension to this: the tendency to uncertainty. It is not a result, it is a reason. Human nature is programmed to solve problems and go after that. Perhaps as a fuel for mind, perhaps as an intuition for the other sex. I don’t know, but it clearly exists. Empires are built upon these, you know… this also captures your hobbies, even your feelings. It also may derive from a great tendency.
Unsurprisingly, the thought above also clashes with the notion of the comfort zone. If we’re that close to discomfort, then why many of us simply ignore it and choose to stay in our comfort zones - in terms of jobs, people, families? My answer may not sound too concrete but it is clear: these two, the comfort zone and the things I call “tendency”, are not mutually exclusive. Choosing to stay in a comfort zone does not eliminate your unknowns. I mean it eliminates to some degree, but deep down inside, it still exists. There’s then the fear of losing goals, and being lost in the cycles. Which, in fact, sometimes results in stuff like depression or any kind of not-so-helpful situations related to minds and bodies. When I thought about this first it kinda sounded bullshit, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Life itself is a too complex and too personal manner. Our characteristics are unique problems on their own. All sacrifices made may feel sound and sincere, but are they? How is it any different than the actions of a cat, if you were to exclude the level of smartness - a level of smartness that can be very easily blinded over a series of hormones, even.
You can expand this circle in any action of life, as I mentioned. For collective decisions, sacrifices, even companies. Taking risks or not taking risks, does not matter. Looking back, the things you regret can be the decisions - but it also stems from the uncertainties that the futures hold for you. It’s a more upsetting notion.
Perhaps this is what leaders are made of. The ones that feel the great discomfort out of them, yet tries to double or triple them as it just gives more meaning and more pleasure to any action. Similarly the moments you take decisive decisions in life - such as renting a place and locking in. It’s an act of determination. An act, which is, fundamentally an adventure through the unknowns.
Anyways my main take is very simple:
every action you take is calculated very deeply somewhere in your brain & soul. whether they work or not depends on two things:
a) your luck b) your brain power
nonetheless, what decides how you get to use them to make the thing that you call a life is made of chill things: habits that you repeat when no one is watching, airs and people that change you, and the stories you tell yourself until they start to feel like the undeniable fate.
the rest is irrelevant.
Thank you,
- Talip.
(This post has been written during four flights and hasn’t been touched outside of them. expect some sleepnessness between sentences in case you’re missing some context, but don’t stress over it. Good night.)